Titles in Malaysia

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In Malaysia, where titles up to a certain level can be ‘bought’, yes literally BOUGHT; like if you paid half a million ringgit to somebody, you could earn yourself an official title; or if you agreed to wax the hair off someone’s wife’s armpits and moustache, with the most important factor being who the someone is; or if you were skilled at making the rulers’ happy etc. We should really compile a book on all the various ways those people got their titles 🙂

What does a title really mean?

Someone recently became a Tan Sri through appointment for his free work, lots of it. He couldn’t afford to buy a title to save his grandmother but guess what? Since he earned his title, perks have jumped out in front of him. Suddenly everyone became his best friend. The first week, he got a completely new Blackberry, absolutely free of charge – a congratulatory gift. The second week, he got a brand new I-Phone, also free of charge – another congratulatory gift. The third week, he got a basket of durians – just because……… and the fourth week, he got a 3kg chest of Patchi chocolates. Another congratulatory gift. Mind you, the gifts are still streaming in………so good, huh? It’s like the worms are all crawling out of the woodwork and when shit hits the fan, they all zoom into hiding – didn’t even know worms could move that fast.

People really should come up with better ideas than offering congratulatory gifts. In sales, we were taught to use any trick under the sun to get what we wanted. So are you really giving me the I-Phone (excuse me, but it doesn’t even come with free services) because you are genuinely happy for me, or is there a hidden agenda? Because if there is, I’d expect at least to own a tropical island with a full lifetime maintenance crew and sexy dancing girls. Lots of them. 🙂

And for your information, have you ever noticed how the tone of voice changes on the other end of the phone when you say you are the PA of Puan Sri so and so calling to book a table versus when you say you are just Ms Lim? What the fuck?! The lack of service culture in Malaysia is really all about ass-licking, no wonder our headlines are splashed with sodomy cases and a variance of rubbish what not. If you don’t believe me, try it. Just make a phone call to a travel agent, a restaurant or a beauty saloon and say you are Datin Seri so and so calling to enquire about something. Notice the difference when you call again another day and talk like you’re a commoner.

So buying a title could prove worthy after all. I think I’ll go and withdraw some money from my Fixed Deposit tomorrow, or better still, find out which ruler has a hairy wife so I can offer some waxing services. Just call me Toh Puan, thank you very much.

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