*warning – major rant ahead*
The Hubs has warned me before to not hang out with Moms. It seemed such a ludicrous suggestion because who else would I hang out with if it wasn’t for Moms??? Teenaged girls? Old ladies?? Men?? No, his advice was to be friends with everyone but don’t get too deep because with women, once you have three or more, there’s bound to be trouble. And he was right.
There’s something about the women of the world and I don’t speak of all women because there are some ‘normal’ women out there (although they come in minimum numbers) that has been prevalent since the dawn of time. Historically, women have been genetically brainwashed to be the weaker sex and this lack of self esteem has been carried down from generation to generation. The smarter ones progressed as individuals whilst majority felt the need to belong.
In my 3.5 years of being a Mom, I have known many Moms or had the opportunity to be around many Moms and boy, Mommy cliques are mushrooming everywhere?!?!?! I have always tried to stay neutral as I’ve always been a loner growing up, having many individual friends but no groups because I just prefer one to one interaction. I find that when placed in a group, individuals are given less of a chance to be themselves because many people project a different front to different people. I personally also find that exhausting. I just want to be myself. I only have time to be myself. And if you don’t like me, then…………..*waves smiling*
Some of the reasons Mommy cliques naturally form is because women need to exclude others. You know, I’m your best friend so I will get hurt if you go to the movies with her, that kind of thing. It is so childish. Some Mommies stick together because they come from the same social class and have the same amount of money to throw away. Some have common strong interests such as breastfeeding advocates or education styles. Some click because they have the same views on food and nutrition or parenting styles. Some just get along fabulously together without anything in common! This is all well and good but don’t start excluding other people just because they breastfeed and you don’t!
Women who need to be part of a group to exclude others exhibit weakness and the act of excluding another makes them feel better about themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pissed about being excluded from any group. If you knew me any better, you’d know how thick my skin was, and how I never felt the need to belong. But I’ve made some observations and the fact of the matter is, women cliques are real, they exist, and are a horrible fact of life!
Some women over-extend themselves to the point where it is so obvious that they REALLY want to belong. I mean, it’s nice to be nice and you SHOULD be nice but to bend over backwards and do a few cartwheels to help someone, you’re being saccharin, not sweet. Trust me, I’ve been generous many times in my life and I’m finding it hard to be THAT generous now. Perhaps these women haven’t been burnt yet, so they continue being saccharin sweet. *shudders*
Gossip is defined by ME as the interest of talking negatively about another person. I’ve noticed how some people TRY not to gossip but honestly, I’d say 99.99% of the women population gossip. It’s all a matter of degree. What some may define as purely passing on correct, factual information; others spit out as chin wag. There is this lady I know who would say, “I know this women who slept with so and so!” and then when you asked her who it was, she wouldn’t say because she doesn’t want to gossip. PUHLEEZE…….*rolls eyeballs* If there is anything worse, it’s half stories. I mean, if we’re going to do it, then let’s all get dirty and do it! Sometimes, it’s really funny because I am making idle chat and really couldn’t care less if your child is doing A, B or C but you’re all heated up and defensive about your child, just because MY child is not doing the same thing as your child and you think I would have opposed ideas to what you do with your child. I respect what you do with your child and it is none of my business but if you were a friend, I would speak my mind. I guess that is one of the reasons why I don’t have many friends. *laughs*
Does anyone want to be my friend?? I am lacking in the friends department.
Some Moms always have to be one up so they’re always asking if Tee can do this or do that yet. And whether it’s yes or no, the real reason the Mom is asking is so she can tell you that HER son CAN!!! WOW!!! *clap hands!!!* In these instances, I get super excited and outwardly show the Mom how wonderful and delighted I am for her. I also understand that sometimes, it is a genuine question, and instincts will tell you if it is or not. It could be a very valid question if some Mom asked me if Tee was still in diapers at night. It just depends on the Mom asking it and the manner it is asked. You know what I’m talking about. Some people are just psycho.
And where do I start about invitations??? Surely you’ve experienced this – who did you invite? who’s going? who should I invite? she didn’t invite her? I don’t want to invite her…….Honestly, I am happy to announce that I will not be in the LEAST bit offended if anyone didn’t invite me to anything and everyone else got invited. As it is, I’m already being invited to too many things (probably out of sheer courtesy) so please don’t feel bad about not inviting me. It’s easier for me if I didn’t have to decline. But also, please don’t shoot me if I don’t invite you because it could be for a very innocent reason. We’re not having a competition here.
To sum it all up, I just hate negativity of any sort. It ruins my aura and I think I have quite a good, happy aura. I want to stay away from Mommy cliques so please don’t be offended if I don’t join you for your next rendezvous. I’d rather be the lone ranger than compromise my values just to fit in with you. So all you idle readers out there, if you’re not commenting, is it because you’re guilty of being in a Mommy clique?
Read this article entitled Are confident women bitchy and read the comments too. 🙂 I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a super bitch and proud of it. But for those of you who know me, well? You know me………….
**************************************************************************Who is Mamapumpkin?
Mamapumpkin is a former Design Architect turned Multi-Million Dollar Digital Entrepreneur. She sets out to prove to all that you can have anything and everything that you want; if you have that fire of desire burning within and the drive to work hard. Even better with much love.
Mamapumpkin has not only grown corporate businesses successfully in the past and doubled her salary 5 times over 5 organisations but has grown THREE BUSINESSES to 7 FIGURES within an 8 year period. She now shows others EXACTLY HOW after retiring her own husband from employment. He is now the official dog walker, family driver, chef and THE BEST FATHER to their two girls and THE BEST HUSBAND to the woman who CHOSE HIM!
Mamapumpkin is the girl who has nothing but fights for everything including YOU. She is idealistic in her desire to put unbelievable amounts of money and extrardinary happiness into the lives of good people so we can change the world together believing in happiness for ALL. She strives to impact lives authentically wanting to reduce poverty cycles and enable quality education for all and always supports the voiceless. She believes we can all have a life of our own desires to enable real contribution into the world. But first, one needs to understand what this all means.
A beautiful life without limits.
If you wish to learn how to propel your life forward guaranteed, be brave to take action. Mamapumpkin's purpose is to build people. Her gift is to help them UNCOVER their HIDDEN GIFTS. She operates fairly and always leaves an impression. You either love her or not and she is alright either way.
She is a living testimony that women really can have a lot. Being financially and time free has enabled her to travel the world anytime, anywhere, doing anything with anyone, as she spends most of her days with her children, having fun, supporting others wherever she can. Also having fun.
shit! Now you made me wanna rant too (somemore!!)
I don’t belong to any mommy clique.. you can friend me..
You speak the truth my lady. I have to read the post on the link you provided but here come the kids so I’ll be back later 🙂
Hmmmmm…so I am thinking now after reading that other article, “Is that why I had no friends when I used to work?” My goodness, I have been living in CA for quite sometime and I still don’t have that many friends. I do still have one best friend whom I went to high school within NY though. She’s a softie actually her words were a “push over” and she cannot help it. She understands me and often tells me she wished she had an attitude more like mine. That’s too bad.
By the way, I just had to put my 4 yr old son back in night pants. For some reason he started wetting the bed. Oh the shame of it all 😉
I have known a few people back in the day who used to bad talk me and I never really cared. I mean really what are you going to do? You just can’t please them all and I would never try to.
i shy away from mommy cliques too. when i tak to mothers, the conversation does inevitably stray to children and parenting at some point but i can’t stand that it’s the only thing to talk about. and the gossips. *rolls eyes* i just find mommy cliques very demeaning, very no-character, very bitchy, very ‘women’. i guess that’s why i can’t get along with most women.
I’m a loner too.. i donch really like to be extra. extra close to anyone. No wonder i got no friends in canada.. muahahahha!!
So shall I propose we start an I-don’t-like cliques group? I guess no one will join. Hahahahaha. Just kidding ladies.
BTW, I have 3 copies of Deirdre Imus “Growing Up Green” book to giveaway. I am holding a contest to see who to give it away to. If you are interested to join, check out this post of mine:
http://mamasbagoftricks.blogspot.com/2008/04/book-review-growing-up-green.html
I will go on the record right now to say, if we lived near each other, we would be best buds and you would LOVE to hang out with Atasha too 😉
thanks for ranting on my behalf haha. i live in overseas and i join a mommy cliques group to get sane because i have zero friends here for a year.
well, the group that i’m in is not too bad, i agree that there are lots of competition and gossiping going on and i join whenever invited and if not it’s ok. it’s tough making genuine friends here especially when you get singled out for not living in Mid Levels, HK!
Most of my girlfriends are mommies, but for whatever reason when we get together, the kids are left behind for our beloved other half to enjoy and there is no talk of them at all. Is this still a mommy clique?? 😀
But yeah, your hubs is right. Make friends by all means, but have a wide variety of them. Like a garden, it gets boring if all you have are Japanese roses. Have some curry leaves, serai, bunga kertas, bird of paradise (now this you have to control, as they can run amuk in the garden if you don’t prun them. Literally and figuratively.. 😉 ).
Go out and meet some teenagers and old people. Much to be learnt from them both. Good for the soul. 🙂
I agree with your post a 100 percent. I attend a church where moms form cliques. I am happy to say that I don’t want anything to do with these cliques. The painful part for me is to see my child been treated different. My kids never get invited to other kids’ B-day parties. I have been living in CA for the last three yrs. attending the same church, and yet no friends.
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I’ve been reading your blogs for another reason. I’m as old as most of your mothers. I still struggle (at times) with what some of you struggle with vis-à-vis the female clique thing :(. My kids are grown (they finally do grow up and become your friends!) and it’s a good period of life now. I’m in my 60’s, university-educated, reasonably well off, energetic, healthy, mostly happy and I’m still married to husband #1. I worked in the health field with young mothers, in the community, and loved that career. In many ways, I feel younger now than I did when my kids were young. (I hope that you understand that way way more is expected of women, wives and mothers by themselves and by their families and by society than they could ever realize – until looking back!) My point today: Female cliques are real. Unfortunately, they still exist for older women, too. And, it can still hurt if you want to be a friend, rather than an acquaintance, with ‘some’ of the individuals in a clique. If the group of women moves as a swarm of fish, or a flock of birds, one on the outside can often feel left out. For they aren’t into 1:1 …. unless it’s WITHIN their group. Sounds like none of you want to be a part of a clique nor do I, but we all want to feel appreciated and enjoyed for who we are! What a dilemma. At this point in my life, I know that there are many women, just like me, who cherish friendships, but who do not cherish cliques. The trick is to find them, to find real friends. Not really so hard. Remember high school? Many of us felt so envious of the “in” group that we didn’t notice all the very nice “outies” all around us. In later life, including those not in our own age group (those old women and teens!) I revisited with some of those same-age “outies” at a 30-year high school reunion, and many of those “outies” turned out very nicely. Interestingly, the “inies” basically stuck to themselves (at their own table even) at the reunion and didn’t even wander the room like 80% of the others did! I felt SORRY for them. As well, I’ve learned in recent years about 2 fascinating things: First, about Myers-Briggs personality traits. I have discovered that I’m an INFP i.e. “I” = More energized by intimate get-togethers, that I like to be alone at times, that I am not energized by being with large groups after a while. “N” = More aware of the feel of a place versus the physical surroundings. “F” = My main mode is to be fair and thoughtful to others and I’m generally careful about what I say. “P” = I like to know as much as I can about something (relationships, cooking, gardening, the best café etc) – this bit can*truly be a pain* to me! For I am a secret information junkie and it keeps me (yet) from ever being caught up in life! (Did I mention procrastination?) Nevertheless, INFP is not a profile to feel ashamed about. But, as an INFP, I’m not going to fit in with everyone. Being human (and sensitive) hard to accept that, still. The 2nd thing I recently officially learned about was the “effect of background” re attitudes, behaviours and all on our lives and our relationships. About 5 years ago, I read a fascinating book called “LIMBO: Blue Collar Roots, White Collar Dreams”. It relates to those of us who came from BC roots, but who “moved up” by way of education, jobs or marriage to a life within the WC milieu. Not a bad thing, for many of us were destined to do that b/c of some combination of inner traits and/or drive or intelligence. The book discusses, however, that it is not always easy to make that social transition. My Blue Collar parents moved into a strong WC community when I was 12 years old and it was hard for a long time. They were also from E Europe and had an accent. Yet, don’t be anxious to read that book, however, for if that was your life path, in reading the book you will have several good “Ah-ah” moments. I find that my closest friends now are those who have similar personality traits to mine, and even more interesting, I am drawn almost instantly to those who are now in the WC world, but who have that BC background! There’s a bonding even when I don’t know that about them or voce-versa. However, that happens only when that woman (or man) is quite at ease acknowledging that part of themselves. Interestingly, I have a sister who HATES it when I refer to that book, or to our BC background. Go figure. So hang in there, believe in yourselves and take that “proverbial day at a time”. And remember this, too: “Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are”. ~Malcolm S. Forbes. Try reading some books on women and esteem and how we middle class, well-educated women over try e.g. “Too Good for her Own Good” by Bepko and Krestan. The effect on all this on our kids (parent cliques and all)? …. If your kids see you “acting” with integrity, courage and confidence (even if you do not ‘feel’ it) it will positively influence them in the long run. BTW – though married 45 years, it was VERY tough when we had kids to act/feel happily married. That’s normal, too. There’s a chart somewhere that shows that Marital Happiness drops precipitously with the birth of a child and down to about 35% by the time they are teens! The rate of marital happiness climbs when the kids leave home. In the meantime – to keep that dip from going so low – follow KISS, appreciate the good about your guy if you’re married (and if he’s pretty good overall), problem-solve on how to get some regular time for yourself. Stop trying so hard to be everything to all! Good luck. Your blogs helped me to understand some important stuff, too, so thanks for that! Anna.
Well that was a breath of fresh air, because as much as I pride myself as not following the herd, I can’t help but wonder sometimes if it is me or is it them. So much non-sense, and even though I know it, it is nice to be validated. I consider myself very friendly, but when it comes to friends, it is quality not quantity, and unfortunately a lot of the quality around here is pretty shallow.
Lynn, i can very much relate to what you say, I too find quality friendships thin on the ground. People I have known for years dont return emails or calls , “too busy ” lets you off the hook for everything it seems. Like you I often wonder if it is me but i ahte it more when my daughter is left out of playdates etc & the worst was when the mums went out & I got a last minute call.. TO BABYSIT!!! Am still deeply hurt over that one.
I really enjoyed your blog. Thank you!