My late Mother was truly the most beautiful person I had ever known and honest to God I am not being biased. If you knew me, you would know how strong willed I was and how I would be honest and objective in my views because I could really hold my own without anyone liking me for it. And despite the thousands of people I have met in my mid-millennium life, still nobody has jumped out as being as incredible as my Mother. Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Malcolm X, were all people I didn’t know personally so Mom still stands out as the biggest trophy of what beauty is all about.
Quite incredibly, one person has entered my life who has the same kind of heart that my Mom had. Sometimes, I even wonder if she is my Mom reincarnate. She has been every blessing that you could imagine to make my life easier, better, happier, shining bright. She is always positive and cheerful and illuminates every room her presence radiates, any space her mind sends thoughts to and her smile brings on a smile in the hardest of hearts. She gives me hope that there is still good in the world because for all that I have done in the last few years, I have begun to lose hope that anyone does understand that there is much more important work to do out there than what everyone chases.
Many people want to be good and do good and be known to be good, almost like martyrs in saving the world, and I certainly was one such fool because I always felt that I was so blessed in my life, what was so hard about giving? What was so hard about lighting up the day of a distressed soul by sending her a morning smile? What was so hard about getting a maid for a cancer patient when I could more than afford it? What was so hard about paying for the school fees of a single Mom because she couldn’t? When a waitress’s Mom needed Chemotherapy and couldn’t afford it, my own Mother offered to pay for it and did. To me, all these sharing of blessings has been ingrained in me for all of my growing years. ALL. It has become automatic.
Of late however, I am beginning to have a mind shift. I have been fucked so many times over that I suddenly no longer feel the urge to give. The Hubs always asks me, when you are in trouble, are any of these people going to be there for you? I tell him it does not matter because I give without expectation. But why am I giving? Why am I giving until I do not even have time or enough for myself nor my family??? I am not Aung San Su Kyi. I am beginning to not feel happy giving. I have had enough. I am not Mother Theresa. I really have had enough. I wish people would just STOP coming to me as though I was a rolling ATM machine and keep expecting me to do something or other for them. Because I no longer want to. My own health has deteriorated from all this expectations of parasites.
When I met my old friend recently, she too had the same struggle of trying to understand why she was working so hard feeding so many mouths when she did not have to at all and as a result became sick from all her giving. The same happened to my late friend who just left this year. She was always giving and giving and giving and she kept reminding me to stop giving and to give to myself instead, to learn from her mistakes. I would always nod obediently but not practice. Now I know.
The time has come when I take your advice, precious Alice. I will stop giving and give only when my heart feels happy and big to give again. The same bitches surrounding you that need to show are still showing. They are like a poison in my memory and I wish I never gave to them because whilst they continue their mockery and slander, I have boosted their businesses by increasing the zeroes in their sales. That energy could have been used more positively to help others much more worthy. Giving makes me incredibly happy but when it is expected, I give and then feel sucky. What a fool. The Hubs is not happy about my giving habits but when I give to the right people, I am on top of the world.
The world is unfair.
People are always bitching and making up stories and being really cruel yet they are not the ones who are ready to put RM100,000 out to help the next person. Oh, let’s not talk figures. How much time are they willing to give to help another? Just put your big talk action where your mouth is, right?
I guess you live and learn.
I now have someone in my life who gives as much as I do, maybe more, and it is so much comfort for me. This is a lady who would drive from one end of the world to the other to pick someone up to go back to her end of the world, and then later drive that person back home at the other end of the world and back to the other end again. That’s only about 4 hours and 200km in an evening. And she has done much, much more than that. She gives me hope that I am not the only psychotic lunatic in this world who gives selflessly without expectation and without the need to show. Thank you, God, for bringing this Angel to surface. For her existence, life is good again……there is beauty. And I do love beautiful people.