The wind beneath my wings

I have led a good life. I have truly led a good life. It has not always been easy but I have no complaints. In all of my struggles, I have always had Angels holding my hand and she was one of them. It is not everyday that I am blessed with Angels but to have just these few, I am already very grateful.

When I was 21, I lost my first Angel. When I was 37, I lost my 2nd Angel. And now at 44, I’ve lost my 3rd Angel. I know I will be losing another very soon too. That sucks. I am a strong woman. My Mom saw to it that I was strong and by being strong, I am actually exposed to being attacked. Even when I have done no wrong, there will be people who work towards my downfall. One way of looking at it would be that I have done no wrong in my perspective but I suppose not theirs. When people do not get their way, they become unhappy and use their energy to bring you down. So be it. I cannot control what others do. But what I did revel in was that these Angels were always there for me to pour out to. These were the Angels where there was complete trust. The connection from heart to heart is synchronised.

When I was stressed, she lifted me. She warned me of people and I took heed. She was in pain and I tried my very best to help. I never had an agenda. I prayed for her healing and I prayed for her family. Yet God had other plans. It is not fun to be sick. I know. I saw my own mother sick for 14 years. I myself have been sick. Nobody knows except family. And if I had not been saved, I would be in the same boat of being sick. It is really no fun to be sick. You feel helpless. You do not want to burden anyone yet you are not able. It almost makes you want to die. Be strong? Be strong for what? How long can others give up their lives to care for you? Be strong for your kids. Even then…..

At her low, she came to me. I was always there for her too. And now she is gone for awhile. I have spent hours and hours going through years of our messages to each other and our private photos of each other together and it hurts. I am glad at least that I have that. Words, memories, photos, and the legacy that lives on. These special friendships are private and best kept that way as despite what a seemingly gregarious person I am, despite how I publicly share about my day to day, nobody really knows what is going on. I save that only for those closest to my soul and I love it that way. It is personal. And prized.

I am so sad that she has left this world to join my other loved ones but at least my heart has only good feelings of her, of our bond and of our promises to each other. Many people want to be your friend but who is really a friend? She was a true friend. And I can say that with beaming confidence and shout it out loud without a doubt. Because she was without agenda, always was, always has been. The tough girl who fought her way out of South Africa with her only child and ran away. The tough girl who would punch you if you crossed her path. The tough girl who spent a lot of time thinking and caring for others and not given a damn for the haters. Can you imagine? Even a beautiful girl like her had haters. Her strength lives on in me. Her love together with his, will continue to pull me back in my bad habit of giving to others first. I need to stop it. And I will. For my kids, for me. For my love for these Angels who loved me.

Thank you for allowing me to enter your life so intimately. Thank you for the trust. It has embraced me with so much love and I will continue to heed your wishes. I do hate the fact that each time an Angel leaves me, life gets so good for me. It isn’t fair. It is almost like God taking someone away from me to give me more blessings. I would much rather it the other way around but I guess this is the cycle of life. God has His plan. Our lives are all charted in His plan only we do not know it. We do not know what tomorrow brings and because of that, we should always be grateful and embrace all the blessings that we already have. This week, another of my big dreams came true. Like fuck me running, are you serious? Is this for real? Why do I have to lose a great person for this?!

We will never know.

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