Once upon a time, my late mother was thrown out of her own home and labelled a prostitute because she fell pregnant with me. Not only had she been beaten and called names by her own mother due to shame and lost of face, she was sent into hiding. Nobody must know, screamed an enraged mother. She was also forced to abort at 7 months to which she ran away but the damage that her own Mother, a head nurse (matron of the hospital ward at the time) who was experienced in delivering babies who could actually suggest an abortion knowing full well the risks involved to her own daughter’s life left a broken child. It was literally as though the most beautiful porcelain vase had been smashed with hatred. How dare she bring shame to the family name.
As a Mother and a Daughter, I can only imagine the emotional damage that the ordeal had created.
My mother never forgave her mother and died of cancer.
Her heart was so torn and broken that her own mother would not and could not love her, so she found solace in her Dad, who couldn’t do much as the secondary provider in the family. She eventually ran away and started her own life with her own means and sought attention and love from others since her own family had nothing for her. Even her friends were closer to her than family. Do I blame her? Not at all. What does one do when your own family lets you down over and over and over again?
After she started her own family, she tried to care for her Mother since they were neighbours and paid for a lot. She would even gift a lot of jewellery to her Mother who willed it away to other siblings which made my Mom very upset. My grandmother practised favouritism in the highest degree. It was so obvious yet if you were to ask, everyone denies it. This is where my mother was wrong in my humble opinion. For me, when you give, expect nothing back. I have given a lot away myself and have been hurt even more because not being grateful or even saying thank you is painful, but stabbing you after you have given so much is a double edged sword. It kills. I will not stop giving because of these fuckers though because God is watching. He is. But for my Mom, she felt that jewellery that she had gifted to her mother should eventually come back to her own children, us. This is where I disagree. Perhaps Grandma felt that the poorer members of the family needed the gold and diamonds? Who knows right?
I have boomed several businesses by promoting and sharing about them yet instead of gratitude, these women run with the crowd of spineless cows and stab me instead. How stupid does that make me feel? Totally stupid. I had no agenda and nothing to gain AT ALL but did it out of pure kindness because I could. I have a voice and I have an audience. But that is what happened. It is OK though because like I said earlier, God is fair. I am the millionaire now, not them. Please don’t come looking for me for financial help though because I will not help you. I will only help wherever God leads me and He does. I’ll tell you straight up right now. Think and judge whatever you like if you think I am the selfish bitch. I don’t mind.
Coming back to my Mom, after we were adults and when Mom was diagnosed with cancer, she instructed me to never have anything to do with her family. They had hurt her way too much and gone beyond the line of low and she did not want me to have ANYTHING AT ALL to do with them. I had my own family now and my own life. She told me to stay away from them or they would use me the same way they had used her, or worse bring bad luck to my happiness. I used to coax her into forgiving her own mother because I felt that the bitterness was manifesting her cancer within but Mom said no. If her Mother were to die tomorrow, she would not attend her funeral. Wow. And she made me promise that I would have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the entire family. Yes, yes, yes. She kept repeating it. Can you imagine what a huge demand that was? But I obeyed her till the very day she passed away. She also instructed me not to tell any of her family members how sick she was and not to invite any of them to her own funeral. As a result, many of the family members I was told were pissed at me. So be it.
Since then though, I have been in contact with my Aunt and today, went to visit my grandmother who is 93 years old. I will admit that I thought I felt my Mom writhe in her grave. This very same grandmother has also hurt me many a time with her harsh words and insinuations (filled with lies, unfortunately some are just pathological liars) and due to my Mom’s insistence, I had not seen her for years. She has never even met my second daughter! But as things go, I decided to make an appearance because my Aunt said she didn’t have long to go and I just went for the sake of going against my late mother’s wishes. I don’t think she was happy. She probably wondered why I suddenly decided to visit her. Was it her money? It is the same with my other great-grandmother who also didn’t treat me very nice when I was a kid. When she was dying, I visited her out of obligation. There was no agenda. And this is why I hate visiting the people that I do not have an affinity with. I do not like being fake and I do not like visiting with an agenda. Sometimes I know that if I were to make a visit, that people would just assume that I wanted their money so I don’t do it. I never want anyone’s money because I am very capable of making it myself.
So today was a very big step for me. To visit my biological grandmother that I have not seen for years. I have no regrets. I don’t think I can be as hard as my mother but I can see that if I do not soften more and forgive all those who have wronged me (FUCK! THERE ARE QUITE A FEW!!! Shall we name them?), I will suffer my own fate eventually.
Thus in my heart, all you bitches who have wronged me, and you know exactly who you all are unless you have psyched yourselves into thinking otherwise, I forgive you. I truly forgive you. And to all the women whom I have accidentally hurt unintentionally, well, you should have come to me to thrash it out. If you don’t then how would I ever know? Sometimes you must understand that I cannot read minds but I can swear in God’s name that I would never have intentionally caused you any hurt. It is just not what I do and I have no motive for doing such a thing. In any case, I am sorry.
I can sometimes feel how influential I am to the point that I become a threat to some. I don’t know why but I just feel it and I think it is so ridiculous because it is all in these women’s heads as I am seriously quite a simple, straightforward kind of girl. I am sorry if I do not do things YOUR way but I have my own reasons and am entitled to them. This is exactly why some women dislike me. But come on, we should be adults and agree to disagree, no? I have bitches who are my closest buddies and we can disagree to the max yet there is mutual respect. I would never hit them below the belt and they would never go around spreading lies about me. People should just be honest and fess up. Come direct to me and tell me their problems. Otherwise just leave me alone.
I repeat again, whatever the case, I forgive you. And I am sorry if I have hurt you.