I have been incredibly sad today for so many reasons. It started a week ago with the usual people issues. Actually when is it not? LOL. A few close friends of mine and I, we are allergic to people in general. So many people. So hard to find good people seriously. And then what about normal people? I kid you not. I remember when T1 was a mere 2 year old, we were at at the Julia Gabriel Playclub and I met the most wonderful Mom. She was normal!!!! I swear 99% of Moms are abnormal. How do I classify abnormal and normal? Quite simply really. THAT mom? Everything about her just clicked. From A to Z she was Heaven sent. She reminded me so much of my dearly departed friend Samantha Barlian at University. Already at 20, we had been through a lot. We came from similar backgrounds where we had seen and experienced a lot more than our peers. The experience we had gained from pure observation of our older family members and their respective friends was enough to prepare us for a long, long way. Too bad Sam fell ill. We would still have been the best of friends now. Coming back to School Mom 101, I was just so at home with her. I didn’t have to pretend, I could talk to her about anything and everything and it was safe. She was just such a beautiful person. Inside and out and I could see where she got her traits from, her own Mother. Bless. And then in the course of my career, I have met with SO many people that I could very quickly identify with the sea of choice, just like I can with massage services, and several other skills that I am adept at. Knowledge and experience is truly power. I am grateful to have had so many mentors.
OK, the REAL reason I was down in the dumps and this feeling has been coming for awhile now is because today was the anniversary of my beloved Mother, the driving force of my life. Heck, even now when she is 6 feet underground, she is still very much with me orchestrating every bit of my life. LOL. So I visited her grave today and typically, because I have been suffering a backache recently due to my bad habits, I took the liberty to plonk my ass down on a chair whilst the Hubs and my kids cleaned and tidied up the grave. LOL. I could literally HEAR my Mom yelling at me. LOL. Which is when I realised just how much I missed her. I do. I really, really do. All my happiness now is not enough because I am unable to share it with her. And I am also damn pissed that Fatty and Alice are no longer here. So maybe my depression as it is, is actually me grieving. And because I am so busy every day, I don’t notice it as much but fuck, Fatty was scowling at me and giving me his dirty glares! So yes, I miss him. And I miss Alice too. Quite a lot actually. It is the realisation that they are no longer here for me to run to. They were my bouncing boards so to speak and them too, I could say or do anything the fuck I wanted and it would be OK. Everything was safe. Like you know, if you knew of the Finance Minister having sex with red socks at such and such a date, you could tell Alice and Fatty and it would end there forever. They could KEEP a secret. They did not have insecurities where they had to use your friendship for self gain. The thing is, I am that kind of friend which is why I find it so hard to find that same level of friendship quality. It just takes that many years of quality bonding to nurture that kind of friendship. I don’t need to show off that I know so and so or did such and such. I really don’t. I am very happy to carry a Village Grocer plastic bag as much as a brand-less handbag from the night market. I can wear cheap clothes (just like my Mom always did yet she always passed off as the ‘Puan Sri’) and I can hang out with the trash guys from DBKL, I kid you not. In fact, they are probably a whole lot more interesting than many of the people I know.
I could be PMS-ing. Which only makes the grieving THAT much more enhanced. Fuck. It hurts. It hurts that the people I really loved had to go and why I am still here. A childhood friend of mine whom I had sleepovers with as a kid posted recently that she has no idea why she is so lucky and some people are not so. My immediate response to her was hey, but she DID go through hell and back as a child with her parents divorce, and then with a lousy man, and then to be dumped by her father which meant she had to slog and study for years in the UK before she could finally arrive at her current destination, now married to a multi-millionaire who loves her to no end. I could totally relate when I saw that post because it hits me too – WHY. Why am I so lucky? Why do I get so much blessings? What have I done to deserve all this? I really don’t know. I didn’t have a bad childhood at all. I have not been kicked around by men ever and in fact my Mom always said I had all the good luck with men because she had all the bad luck. All her bad luck with men converted into my good luck. Something like that. It is true. Her men were all fucked up. And mine were all great. So what have I done to deserve all this actually? Perhaps it was my own Mother’s suffering……
I am just so damn lucky. Her intense suffering all her life has now converted into my abundance. I feel so undeserving that I feel crippled if I didn’t give back. It has been a battle you know? Money means so little to me that I could give a hundred thousand away or two or three and I wouldn’t care. The hubs would probably hit the roof but well, that is why I do not tell him as much as possible. Or my hands would really be tied. And then I wonder why I am so lucky with friends too. All the good people who respect me and genuinely care for me, what did I do to deserve that? Recently some haters remarked that people were only buddying up to me because of my success with business and so they automatically wanted to rub shoulders. It is like all those social climbers who want to hang out with the rich and famous, isn’t it? I am so over that seriously. I always remember Sam’s words. Nothing wows me. Nothing surprises me. It’s true. And that is why standards are so high. Time will always tell as they have always brought truth out. I am so damn proud of myself that I have sniffed out the fakers from the real although I always, always give in to time; you know just in case I make a mistake. But so far, instincts have been good. Bless. Or maybe it is just Mom guiding me all along. Thank you, Mom.
I think I am currently facing a mid-life crisis. My husband feels that I am in a zone because I have suddenly come face to face with so much money that I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t think that is true but to be honest, I do feel the guilt of not having to work and then have this money keep pouring in. Which is truly why I have to move it and give it away. My life is so perfect that I am so afraid that if I were to actually accept this money into it, I could seriously alter the status quo and real problems will surface. It must be all this money is the root of all evil brainwashing that I have observed. I mean just look at all the ‘rich’ families. Mine included although we are really not that rich. My kids have to make a day trip out of town just because of money. I have fought with the Hubs about money. We have enough!!! But still he does not think so. Sigh.
So many problems in the world are making me sad too. Starving children. Children who get beaten for no reason. Children who are abused and sent out to work. I just keep thinking of my own two girls. They are so blessed. Imagine if they were ever taken from me? I would just die. And that is why the hubs and I, we watch them like a hawk.
Recently I had a successful friend pour her heart out because of some bitching. She runs several businesses and has been very successful since she got out of college so lots of invaluable experience there! I was shocked when she mentioned that she wanted to throw in the towel. Like are you kidding me!!! After all that she had worked for over the last 20 years? NO fucking way!!! I wouldn’t let her!!! Unfortunately, when you are successful, the world takes over and you are in the spotlight for rotten eggs. I explained to her that even Mother Theresa had haters yo. It comes with the territory. If you are successful, you WILL have haters. Not everyone can be like you and some people just cannot accept it so they have to make up lies to bring you down just to make themselves feel better. But seriously, the people who believe those lies are just as worthless, right? So why bother indeed? Put two idiot parties in the room and you get bigger idiots. Why get torn up about it??? Yes, despite helping all these people, they will still bring you down. I told her, hey! I am the fucking professional in giving my life away and then getting stabbed by the very people I gave my life to. It has happened several times already that I am really the best person she had confided in because I have so much experience with haters. It is almost like being a celebrity. Have you heard of Daphne Iking? She is one of the local big celebrities that has withstood the pressures of celebrity-dom and has been through hell and back twice over. I don’t know how she does it. It is like a pressure cooker out there yet she has composed herself and been as real as she can be. Bless her. I am not even a celebrity but I feel the pressure sometimes because there are so many blood suckers out there to suck the living daylights out of me. Fact. I accept that it comes with the territory. I could be boring and stay in a cave. I could be quiet then nobody would have much to say back. I could be a nobody. But is that what I was put here to do?
I have been given strength and light. I have a purpose. The ones who cannot stand my success can continue to lie and bitch about me. Can you imagine how insulted I was when people thought I got to where I am not from the actual true route that I had taken? Fish. Unreal. These people who make up such lies are just living on another planet. I think they play it in their minds so much until they themselves believe it to be true! And to them it is a competition? Fuck me, I am not even competing with them. It really pisses me off. I don’t care what they do and how successful they are, why should they care about me. Just leave me the fuck alone, please. Please. Please.
Oh, an one more thing. You know how some people are so rich and famous and have so much power to control the world? That is so fucking unfair. I know of a mom who is fighting to keep her home yet because of these fucking bullies, she stands to lose her home that she grew up in. Such bastards some of these men are. And the people who associate with them? All fucking crooks. Do or die I am going to meet all the rich people if I have to to get this Mom out of the pits. As God is my witness, I will make sure this woman gets to keep her home. If I had 5 million cash, I would do it but the Hubs went berserk when I suggested it to him. He said not to mess with the Government and all these crooks and started naming the million and one things that could go wrong in this transaction. I think he spent one too many hours with Tok-Tok to know what really goes on in there. Sigh. I hate all these crooks. I fight for justice.
Oh, what am I rambling on about. I have everything in the world yet I am sad. I am grieving. I am. I am so sad. So, so sad. Every time I listen to a song in the car, I start crying. It will remind me of Fatty. Or mom. Or Alice. All this month. October is a fucked up month.