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I’m feeling blah today. It seems that I am not allowed a break. I work so hard. So damn hard. In every area of my life. Yet I’m often unappreciated and un-cared for because everyone assumes I lead this cushy life filled with roses. People think I am strong and need nothing. I AM strong. But I need a fucking break.
Please give me a break.
I don’t have a social life. I have no time for a social life. What little social interaction I have comes from invitations from friends on days which I have nothing else on. This happens maybe 5 times a year that I am free to attend. There is WhatsApp for some friendly banter and even then, it is really weekly banter rather than a day to day chat. So sad.
I hardly have enough time for my kids. My biggest regret. I wish I had more time with them. But at the end of the day, it is all about balance. They are lucky that they have parents. They are lucky that they have parents who both live with them. They are so lucky that I work from home and can answer their questions at any time or hug them when they need a hug. They are so lucky I spend time painting with them, discussing ideas with them, just giggling silly laughs with them. Despite the time I spend with them, it isn’t enough. I want more. I want more time with my kids whom I love so God damn much. But tis’ the cycle of life. We all have a purpose and I do want to show my kids that in this life, we do have to work hard. There are no short cuts. We can play hard and work hard as I showed them last year.
We all worked hard as a family. But we also had the best time ever on holiday, just the four of us. And that holiday could not have happened had we not worked hard. If we hadn’t worked hard, we would not be able to help the Children of Myanmar as much as we can now.
T1 came second in class and although there were only 9 kids in her class last year, she was the 2nd youngest kid and coming out second in class was an achievement for her as it gave her the experience of what it felt like to be a somebody. To be a somebody who could walk up that stage to get that prize. To feel the pride of her family and her teachers. Unfortunately, she had not worked that hard but if only she had, she could have been first. This year, she has set her bar higher. There are now 19 kids. She is 8 and doing Year 5 work. Someone pointed out to me that in 2 years, she’d be doing Secondary work. My poor baby doing Secondary work? Honestly, I’m happy for her to fail as I don’t give a shit about academics and scoring A’s. I don’t agree with the Hubs’ plan of sending them to International School to get the best education they can. I’d much rather them build upon their character and self-esteem till such time when they feel ready to pursue their passions.
The Hubs works damn hard too. He doesn’t have to but he wants to. It is how he was brought up. And that is exactly how I want to bring my kids up. I look at my in-laws and they are perfect examples of hard working people and I have so much respect for them. I cannot stand lazy yet I am lazy. I try not to be but after half a lifetime of lazy, it takes effort. I don’t want my kids to be lazy. God, no.
What is lazy anyway?
The dictionary defines it as: Resistance to work or exertion; disposed to idleness; Slow-moving; sluggish; Conducive to idleness or indolence.
I think that there are two types of lazy. The people who are smart but lazy and the people who lack self esteem who hence become lazy. I do not know how to stress how important it is to build upon a child’s self-esteem when young as I see day in day out, adults who are wrecks (whether they realise it or not) due to a damaged childhood. By a damaged childhood (I know it’s a rather dramatic term!), I simply mean a sensitive child whose feelings were hurt. This hurt can carry on till the grave and one’s life would not be lived optimally. Such a bloody shame. So parents, think twice when you open your mouth to belittle your kid. Ignoring them too means they are not important in your life and that is when the seed of doubt starts growing. I certainly remember mine when my Mom was not interested in anything I had done nor anything I had to say.
Recently, a friend of mine lost part of her life due to illness and I, despite seizing the moment every day with my kids, still feel I haven’t done enough for my society, for my family, for my loved ones. It’s so hard to decide where the tipping point is. How much do you give and how much do you keep for yourself? I have friends who are suffering from bipolarism, depression, daily Motherhood stresses, straying husbands, financial grief. I know people who are suffering from their lost ideals that they will never get back yet don’t know how to move on. It pains me so much when I am helpless to their plight.
I know what I want and I know what makes me happy. But sometimes we cannot be so selfish and must do what is right. Do what will be best for others too. Internal turmoil.
So many people say they are happy. But they’re not really……because they keep moaning about the same old shit or bring up the same old shit. If you were really happy, you’d just shine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No need for effort.
No shit, Sherlock.
So. Am I happy? Honestly, I almost feel guilty for being happy.
I may moan about my work. I may want to sell my kids. But I don’t have a single reason to whinge about this wheel of karma bestowed upon me. There is a light shining behind me and I am truly blessed.
But I still need a fucking break, y’ know???
Cut me some slack.
So tomorrow, I am going to build a cubby house with my kids. Screw everyone and everything else.