Unusual discharge is never normal in pregnancy

Following on from the period like cramps and ‘rainbow’ discharge, I called my Doctor after breakfast this morning whilst I was on my computer to inform her of my state of affairs. She was too busy with patients to come to the phone but the nurse got my message through and then ordered me to get to the hospital immediately.

“What?! Can’t I come later?”

I had JUST turned on the computer and was busy with some work. The thought of shutting everything down, getting dressed to go out when Tee only finished school at 3pm was such a d….r….a…..g……

“No! You better come now!!”

Hey, I thought the medical profession was supposed to calm patients, not freak them out! I grudgingly snail-paced my XXXXL body into the bedroom and made it to the hospital by 10am, where I was rudely greeted in the Labour Ward with a DIRTY room (yes, just wait till I blog about that later with photos and all!) to have a CTG done. Just to check that the baby was OK first and foremost.

Half an hour later, I went up to see my Doctor who confirmed that I wasn’t having real contractions yet. However, the Ultrasound scan of my inerts showed that my placenta was dying. Yes, dying……

It was large like a monster and had white spots all over. In medical terms, it is known as Third Degree Calcification of the Placenta. Interesting, huh? Apparently, we wait for FOURTH degree calcification of the placenta, meaning the placenta is dead (OK, almost near death) when the baby will NEED to come out. Instead of the baby coming out in 4 weeks time, it is highly likely that she will come out within the next 2 weeks. Actually, the Doctor is hoping that she sticks it out for as long as 2 weeks because people, my placenta is DYING!!!

After the Ultrasound, my Doctor had to insert 2 sterilised gloved fingers up my ‘you know what’ and man, oh man! I let out a yelp that sure didn’t remotely sound like an orgasmic yelp! What’s up with that anyway? I thought horny pregnant women would be delirious to have two fingers up there or anything that felt like a penis but not this time. I was squelching in pain and I knew my Doctor was thinking to herself, “This one…..no way will she be able to go through a natural childbirth…..if she did, the entire hospital would be vibrating and shuddering with the loudest, longest screams of murder,” whilst she shook her head in pity.

I finally took a breath when she slid those eels out (yes, they felt like eels….now you know why I was screaming) when. WHEN.

WHEN!!!

She dropped a bomb on me.

“I’m going to have to give you an injection.”

“Huh?”

“Yes, it is highly likely that the baby will be premature so rather than take the risk of baby having to go into NICU for 3-4 weeks and all that hassle, the uncertainties of her health when she comes out, it is much safer that I give you an injection to mature her lung development.”

“Is it going to be painful?” I asked and I could already feel my body tensing up even before they had started getting the syringe and vials ready.

“Yes. It will be painful. I won’t lie to you.”

Gee, thanks for making me relax.

“Where will it be injected?”

“On your buttocks.”

“What??!! Will I be able to drive home?”

“In a bit….”

“Haiyo!!! I come with front side pain, now back side also pain!!”

Guess what happened next?

More screams travelled through the gynaecological suite that lasted a good 15 minutes because that bitch of a jab swelled my entire right bum cheek and warranted me crippled from getting off the bed, let alone put my pants on myself. Embarrassing.

It didn’t end there, because the next bomb was dropped next. I’m telling you, this Doctor, she’s very strategic in her moves.

“Tomorrow, you have to come at exactly the same time to get another jab.”

“Huh?”

“Yes. To balance out your bum.”

Mamapumpkin fainted right there……

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So people, that is the state of my affairs. The baby’s head has engaged down there causing excruciating pain in my vagina. The Doctor says it is because the baby is opening up the cradle? Girdle? I can’t remember, but something about the baby rocking the cradle/girdle, causing the pain. I can hardly pee with only trickles dripping out every time because THAT BIG HEAD is pushing against the urine stream.

When I came to and walked out of the Doctor’s Suite, everyone asked if I needed a wheel chair but I politely declined every concerned face.

Mamapumpkin is fine. She can do this on her own -walk all the way to the parking lot from the 4th floor, like she’s hiding a brand new Nikon D70 inside her vagina.