Early postnatal blues

Yesterday, I was curled up into a little ball on my bed and stayed in bed all day. I did not get up to make Tee’s breakfast nor tie her hair nor get her dressed. We have a helper for that now but even then, I still like doing it. But not yesterday.

I stayed in bed, tired and aching till 11am, when I forced myself to get up to eat something. I am diabetic and my eating hours are 8.30am for breakfast, 10.30 for snack, 1pm for lunch, 4.30pm for snack, 7pm for dinner, 10ppm for snack…..but yesterday, I couldn’t be arsed with diabetes nor eating nor anything for that matter.

After ‘breakfast’, I went back to bed. Before I knew it, it was 2pm and I was due to pick Tee up at 2.30pm. I started crying for no reason at all and before I knew it, I was crying for a whole hour or two. My rational side of the brain asked me what the matter was. I had a new helper, my confinement lady was arriving in 3 weeks, soon I’ll be seeing a gorgeous new baby, I have a wonderful daughter in the form of Tee, and an even more wonderful husband, so what was the matter? I had no idea. I analysed the weeks past events to identify what could have triggered this bout of weepiness. Nothing.

I finally smsed the Hubs to pick Tee up as I just couldn’t get myself out of bed and I think had he said he was too busy, I would have just killed myself. Well, thankfully, he promptly got into his car and sped off to Tee’s school and I went back to my black hole. That’s a supporting husband for you – braving KL jams wasting an hour of work time without question when Tee’s school is literally 5 minutes away from home.

Tee came home and spent all day with our helper whilst I slept and blocked the world out but at 6pm, she came in and asked me if she could eat something from the fridge when I jumped out of bed realising I hadn’t made dinner plans!  &@^#!!

I quickly ran to the kitchen to get dinner organised when our helper told me that Tee had been snacking all afternoon and even taught her how to make her Nestum to eat. Twice. Wow, I didn’t know Tee knew how to make Nestum!! She must’ve been watching me all this while whenever I made it.

So whilst dinner was being cooked and Tee rattled on that she was absolutely starving, we had a shower together and she gave me the most wonderful body scrub on my shoulders and back with some Body Shop Cocoa Butter. Then she spoke to T2 within my belly with lots of kisses and told her authoritatively who she was and that she loved her very much and please, oh please, would you come out right now so Mommy doesn’t have to suffer anymore?! Seated on the shower floor naked whilst my elder daughter took charge, it was the most contented feeling in the world.

Tee is a smart girl. She knew Mommy wasn’t well and she did not disturb me once whilst I moped in my black hole all day. Instead, she gave me lots of cuddles and kisses later and words of absolute comfort. I truly love her to the ends of this Universe……….

I anticipate on and off  weepiness from here on. The postnatal blues has hit early this time and hopefully it’s not here to stay. Friends have been inviting me to go for my last pampering session, breakfast and get togethers, I don’t feel up to it. I’m feeling so big and ugly. I’m just counting the seconds for THE day…….