On caning children, should you? Shouldn’t you? – Sparing the rod with your children

Jo-N, MyLovelyMummy and BabyShern’s Mommy has tagged me on this subject and I have also been meaning to speak my mind about it after reading about it ages ago at Colin’s.

The very sensitive subject of caning your children. In this instance, I will also refer the term caning to hitting, spanking, smacking, slapping, whatever you want to call it but any form of a whack. Even though I have smacked my daughter twice or thrice in her lifetime in the form of hitting her shin due to her complete defiance, I do not encourage it and am one hundred and one percent against hitting children. Of course, it is easier said than done as some children really have the ability to drive you nuts but parents should look within to ask why their children are behaving as such.

There is also the issue of different children having different temperaments and that too should be taken into consideration. Yet although I acknowledge that there are children whom spanking may not consequent ill-effects, I still do not encourage it. There must be another way. It is the parent’s job to get through to the child by devoting that time as more often than not, it is from pure lack of attention that children start craving and misbehaving. And it is a damn hard job, giving all that attention!!! Because they are at their most insecure stage from 1-6 years old and even if they are oh, so confident on stage or every area of their little lives, deep down, these little things require our constant reassurance, over and over, requiring more energy than you ever knew you had.

I’ll tell you why we shouldn’t hit our children. It doesn’t teach them anything but pain and violence. They feel resentment and fear. What’s the point of that? Only to give you satisfaction for that particular moment or moments (in hope that they are scared enough not to repeat the same unallowed deed?). Isn’t it wiser to talk and explain till the cows come home so that it drills into their brains and sticks? They need reminders, unfortunately. But I promise you, when children are given the right kind of attention (and I have witnessed this with my own eyes, I just know it is so damn difficult), they do not misbehave. There isn’t a need to. Of course, not all parents have eight hours a day to give quality time to their children. Some have to work, we have chores to do, bills to pay, people to see, etc etc etc. But if we could allocate REAL quality time for at LEAST an hour a day for each child (and unfortunately less, if you really cannot afford the time), we could at least balance out their need for love and reassurance. Because you DID pay your FULL undivided attention to them for an hour. Not very many people even do that.

The result of hitting children however, comes better off than ill words spoken to your children. Physical abuse is better than mental abuse. Because if hit, the pain goes and then there is fear; but with words, the memory lingers a lifetime and cause some funny things to happen up there. The best solution is neither spanking nor throwing ill words but to take lots of deep breaths, get someone else to reason with your wayward child if necessary, and spend as much quality time as possible with them. Even if your teenaged son doesn’t want your time, force it. Give him the time. He may just be saying he doesn’t want your time and probably doesn’t even know that he wants your time but he does. Give it. Another very important example is never to tell your child that he is going to fail and in fact to give him the positive reassurance that you KNOW he will pass with flying colours. He just needs to do his best in taking each step in order to get there. And if he falls, so what? You still love him and he can try again!

As for me personally, I have a problem with raising my voice. I have a very defiant little girl who has a personality of a raging bull. I am working on not allowing my temperature to rise and have noticed that at times when she is being totally naughty and disobedient, the behaviour quickly changes when I go over to give her a hug, change the subject and offer lots of nicely voiced words. Funny, eh?

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