Our Alter Egos – Motherhood for the first time

May 2005
I used to have this dynamic career in the corporate world that brought me so much satisfaction. I would overcome challenge after challenge, day after day, nothing was impossible. And I thrived on this excitement for every time I achieved what had not been done before, I gave myself a pat on my own back. I attracted attention as I worked to impress and impress I did! How different life was back then….
I am now mother to a gorgeous little baby girl, living in the heart of Kuala Lumpur. For the last almost 2 years of my life, since I got pregnant, I suddenly realised that my biggest challenge was yet to hit. Always the person who managed it all, pregnancy and motherhood totally threw me out of my comfort zone into the zone of complete insecurity.

>>Fast Forward >>

After graduating from the express course of hands-on parenting, I can safely say now that I feel comfortable being a mom. I can drive to the shops alone with my little one. I can stay home and care for us both alone without a hired maid and still be able to welcome Daddy home with a genuine smile. I can do so much on so little sleep, something I never thought possible.

Motherhood really surprises you.

However, I yearn for the corporate buzz and attention again. Yet as a woman in Asia, I have to choose if I wanted A, B or C. This decision has been sending me into dizzy twirls bimonthly and until today I am still undecided as to A, B or C. What has motherhood done to me ? Before, decision making was easy. Give me the facts. Analyse the situation. Calculate the risks. Decide.

But now……???

After spending a whole 2 years of not working in a corporate office, I do sometimes feel like I have dead brain cells lurking in my head. I talk baby talk, I make funny faces, I watch the most boring of TV. This, what I feel as a downward spiral of my intellectual capacity, has caused me to start looking for a job again. A real one. A respectable one.

But guess what ? I went for a few interviews, got offered some really great paying jobs (that would be at least a 5 figure salary), yet couldn’t bring myself to take any of them on.

My baby stopped me. Yes, she is that powerful.

I now wonder if deep down I actually knew what I’ve really wanted all along, and in effect, A, B or C was really just a simple decision. It was my alter ego playing tricks on my weaknesses.

Yes, we all have weaknesses.

Even you.

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