I’m not ready.

5 years ago, I married my husband after knowing him for 3 years. We met at the office as we both worked so hard & didnt have a life. 6 months after knowing him, he said he wasnt ready for marriage. Fair enough. I asked when he thought he’d be ready & he gave me a timeline. No commitments. I just wanted to have an idea. He kept to his word. After 18 months of knowing me, he’d decided he didnt want to wait any longer and got me a ring.

The first ring he got me was a ring made of a single weed from his garden. He plucked it from the ground and put it around my finger and tied a knot. “Until I can get you a real ring”, he professed.

My second ring was made out of tiny plastic beads & was pink. It cost him RM2.00 from an accessories store. Again he told me that I’d get a real ring one day.

On January 6th 2001, I was a proud owner of a platinum & diamond solitaire band. Was it worth the wait? You bet my sweet ass!

6 months after our ‘out of this world’ wedding, my husband said again, “I’m not ready” when I asked him about us having children. Not that I wanted children then but I just asked for the sake of discussion since everyone else around us were asking that blasted question.

 “When will you be ready?”

“I dont know, but not now.”

“Are we talking like 1 year, 3 years or more?”

“Mmm…I dont know. Maybe 1 year, maybe 3…but not now.”

“OK”

Exactly 3 years after my wedding day, our 1st child was born. It was the most beautiful thing we shared after our wedding day.

5 years on, it’s my turn to say, “I’m not ready.” But when are you really? And do you know when exactly you would be ready? Is it something you just play-by-ear & follow time till you ‘feel’ it is right & then decide you are ready? I’m talking about trying to conceive a sibling for T.

Boy, am I so NOT ready. As it is, I am struggling day-to-day with my very active girl. I am tired almost all of the time & I yearn for a life of my own outside Teletubbies, Barney, Thomas the Tank & Maisy. Dont get me wrong. I love what I do & I do not regret for a second what I am doing. But we moms still wish for breaks.

People say, “Oh….just have another. You’ll adapt soon enough!”. Well, they’re not the ones with baby poo smeared on one hand and a leg balancing another toddler, are they?

Then there are those who say, “If you have another, I guarantee you will lose weight.” That sounds like a nice proposition but what if I get severely depressed from not coping with 2 kids & end up eating double or worst, triple of what I eat now?

My mother says, “Better have one now while I’m still alive, so I can at least help you out.” Makes sense. She does have cancer after all & her days are numbered.

I’m not ready. But I’ve decided that one makes oneself ready when the situation calls for. And in my case, I have made a decision to be ready for T#2.

Oh God, help me if I am wrong….

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